To Care For You
by Marnie-May
Summary: It is after the accident and Brendan and Ste are adjusting to their new lives together, however it isn't going as well as they had hoped. Rated M for adult situations.
1. Chapter 1

**To Care for You**

_I don't own these characters they belong to Hollyoaks._

_This is the sequel to "I Will Take Care of You" and is set as Brendan and Ste get used to their new lives after the accident. This was a really difficult chapter to write as I wasn't sure how to start off so I hope its ok; please review and suggestions for future chapters are welcome :)_

**To Care for You**

Where do you start really? In this tale anything could happen, nothing is certain in the world and no one knows this better than Brendan Brady and his partner Steven Hay. I don't know how they got here but they did, they were together, finally! It wasn't quite perfect but it wasn't as big of a disaster as before – it seem to, well… work! I know what you're thinking _"Brendan and Ste – work?" _But believe me I wouldn't lie to you!

Brendan had been home for three weeks now and both men were still trying to get used to the adaptions they needed to make in order for this relationship to succeed. Trust was always an issue between them but it had changed slightly now that Brendan needed Ste far more. It was taking some getting used to, their new way of life; Brendan still liked to be in control but he was learning that it was tiring trying to maintain a front all the time and was letting Ste have more power over their _shared_ life.

"Oh Shit!" A loud crash came from the kitchen.

"Brendan? Are you ok?" Ste came rushing out of the bedroom to find Brendan on the floor covered in jam.

"What are you doing?" He took the knife from Brendan's hand and slowly lifted him up to sit against the cupboard doors – he could be quite strong when he needed to be and it impressed Brendan, he had never seen it before and it intrigued him to dig further into Ste's _talents._

"I wanted to make you breakfast." He looked at his hands which were also covered in jam.

"Oh Bren…" Ste lowered himself to the floor and put his arms around Brendan's neck and pulled him closer. "You should have waited for me."

"I'm inpatient"

"I know! I'm just worried that you're going to hurt yourself if you do this again. Promise you won't?"

"Steven…"

"Promise?"

"Ok I promise."

"Good – now we can have breakfast." He leaned in and licked the jam seductively off Brendan's face. "Yum!"

The day went past pretty quickly. Brendan had a few visitors like Cheryl and surprisingly Pete. Brendan felt uneasy by his presence at the best of times – and they were rare, but now he too was paralysed it seemed to create an understanding between them.

"So how are ye Bren?" he tried to sound – friendly, Pete really Brendan could see right through this attempt of a friendly chat.

"Ye know Peter same old same old." His attention was completely directed to the TV as he was desperately trying to escape this conversion.

"I spoke to Cheryl the other day; she said you were getting better." His glare seemed to bore into the back or Brendan's head and it was obvious it made him feel uncomfortable as he began to twitch.

"Hmm" Brendan's voice was low and unsure.

"So how's Steven?" He knew this was a sensitive topic but pressed on none the less trying to engage Brendan in meaningful conversation.

"He's good thanks Peter." Lying was obviously one of Brendan's strong points; it kind of had to be with all the dodgy dealings he got up to in his spare time, however he had seen a change in Steven he wasn't going to deny he was merely going to avoid expressing it to one of his longest and most loyal friends (well sort of).

"How's he managing?"

"Managing?" His face screwed into obscurity – it had never occurred to him before that Steven was finding it hard to manage, he was tough and strong.

"Yeah… all the _domestic duties_" He was carful; he didn't want to upset or angry him.

"What ye getting at Peter?" Brendan semi knew anyway but didn't want to admit to himself or Peter.

"You know Bren – don't do this every time life gets hard! I've been here I know how it is, I know that you feel useless and alone and frightened and not good enough." He paused trying to regain his breathe, he leaned into Brendan and delivered the final blow, "You don't feel good enough for Steven."

Brendan's eyes dropped, his face was cold and yet displayed so much unresolved emotion. He had never felt good enough for Ste but now it was ten times worse; he had never needed Ste like this before and he still couldn't admit that he needed him like this now.

"He's tired." His voice almost…shy!

"That's usual…" Pete's voice was soft and emphasised his concern, he moved closer to the sofa as Brendan attempted to move over allowing Peter to get closer.

"Usual... ha!" He laughed dryly and winced in an uncomfortable manner.

"Ok so that wasn't the best choice of words but I'm just trying to make a point."

"A point, a point yer so that's what you're trying to do…" He voice was gruff and low – it was his best intimidating voice but it didn't fool Pete who was determined to get inside Brendan's inner feelings. No one had ever gotten to them, not even Steven, yet anyway, but Brendan knew how to deal with Pete's little psychology sessions by now so decided to humour him.

"I'm just saying maybe you two need a bit of help."

"_Help" _Brendan thought to himself _"What is giving you the right to come along and tell me how to live my life just because we are both in the same situation!"_ His face was blaring, his eyes were about to burst with sheer angry and frustration, but he managed to contain himself. "_What good was getting at Peter going to do anyway?" _Brendan's expression was deep in thought and it was only when Pete had dared to speak; did he come back down to reality.

"Brendan, you ok?" His eyes were soft and caring but obviously it didn't fool Brendan, he used those eyes all the time and he could tell they were forced.

"Hmm" Was all he could muster. It was partly a noise produced by thought and partly and subconscious signal for _"leave me alone!" _either way it did the trick and as soon as Pete appeared he was gone.

Brendan spent the rest of the day mulling over what Peter had said. Being Brendan he wasn't about to admit that he needed "_help" _as Peter put it but he couldn't shake off the feeling of truth in, what quite frankly he could only describe as a load of sentimental dribble – Brendan Brady didn't do sentimental and he very rarely dribbled!

It was early in the evening; Brendan was sitting watching TV as Ste cleaned up after dinner. It was weird to think that this was _their _life now, together and they didn't have to pretend. I mean there were times in which the past came seeping through the obviously unfilled cracks, but they had time, time to work on making cement so strong that those cracks would be gone forever.

"Steven….!" Brendan called from the living room.

"Yeah hang on." He was busily putting dishes in the cupboards.

"Now Steven, I want you." His voice was playful and yet rough and rugged, just the way Ste liked it.

"Yeah what is it Brendan? I haven't finished clearing up." He put his sulky yet soft face on and pretended that Brendan had distracted him from something he really wanted to do.

"Come here…" He draw his finger forwards slowly which Ste followed like a magnet to metal, and that's what they were.

Ste sat on the sofa putting his arms around Brendan's waist.

"Shall we go to bed?" He was trying to be mysterious and Brendan loved it. Talking was going to have to wait!

It was a delicate procedure full of a lot of kissing, touching and surprisingly, passion. Somehow the two men seemed to make the difficult task of moving Brendan from his wheelchair to the bed a pleasurable experience. Ste lead on the left side of Brendan's body so he was able to feel his smooth and delectable young skin. It lasted for hours; they touched, rubbed, cuddled, caressed, and kissed roughly and softly until they finally lay side by side in bed, contented. Brendan worried for months whether he would ever be able to satisfy Ste's and his needs like he used to, the doctor made no promises either way and told him that only time would tell however Brendan was determined to make the best of the situation in hand.

"Steven..."

"Yeah?"

"Peter came to see me today."

"Oh yeah and…" He struggled to see where this conversation was going or indeed of what relevance it had to him. Pete was Brendan's _friend _even though they never saw each other and when they did you could cut the tension with a knife.

"He asked me how you were." He tried to sound casual enough to make it seem like it wasn't a cause from concern, but interested enough so it would allow Steven to realise that he cared and wanted to know how he was.

"Oh and what did you tell him?" He was intrigued slightly but it still wasn't of great significance.

"What would you have told him?" Brendan was being clever, something he did as fluidly as pouring water.

"Well…" He stopped, contemplating what to say to Brendan.

"Well what?..."

"I'm tired." Before Brendan could answer Ste spoke again "Very tired."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have let you have the day off work." He was genuinely upset by this revelation, he felt as if he had cause Ste to feel like this and it killed him inside. He didn't want to be a source of pain for Ste anymore, he wanted to care for him, protecting him and he felt like he had failed before he had even started.

"Cos you got too much on your mind and I didn't want to add to it." He seemed repentant of not telling Brendan, almost like he had betrayed him.

"Listen Steven, you can tell me anything because…"

"Because what?"

"Because I love you, and I will never judge you, ok?"

"Yeah." He kissed Brendan on the lips and with that both men fell asleep in each other's arms – just like they were made for each other to interlock, like some kind of force field against the world.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

As the days drifted on by and the weeks merged into months, things finally settled down into what most people would call a _routine,_ however there was no such word in either Brendan or Ste's vocabulary and they knew that they didn't want a _conventional_ relationship – heck nothing about these two men was _conventional. _They wanted fire, passion, exciting new experiences that would blow all perceptions and prejudgments out of the water and some may say that's what attracts them to each other, they are good for each other and not just boring good but all of the above good, and they both knew that in order to keep this desired set of truly amazing experiences they had to find balance. Balance between the good and the bad, passion, comfort, respect and pushing boundaries to gain something in return. But that is what this relationship has always been about; finding the balance and in some strange, fate inducing way and Brendan and Ste were almost there – they just had to take one day at a time.

It was Brendan's first day back at work since the accident and he was quite looking forward to it despite feeling slightly sick the night before. This was his moment; his moment to show the whole world that nothing and no one could ever demolish his spirit and determination. He was going to stroll into the club, with the help of Steven and Cheryl, and face the whole of the village and in the process some of the daemons that he left behind.

"All right?" Steven was standing at the bottom of the bed looking bloody gorgeous.

"Yer" He smiled as he tried to raise himself from the bed to get a closer look.

"Do you wanna get up now or have breakfast in bed?" He tried to be seductive and Brendan loved it as it was one of the worst attempts ever and yet it seemed to work. Strange.

"Breakfast in bed" He pulled Ste down to the bed with a thump and kissed him on the lips.

"Slow down Brendan." He secretly never wanted it to end, he loved the way Brendan could look so vulnerable one minute and hard and coarse the next.

"Or what?"

"You'll get indigestion" He smiled and Brendan returned it – almost brighter.

Ste helped Brendan from the bed after about half an hour pretending to have breakfast in bed. He got Brendan dressed into a simple white shirt and his grey suit – beautiful. Ste didn't know how he managed to look so damn handsome in EVERYTHING and yet he looked like a twelve year old in three quarters of his clothes. Brendan had told him one day that it was because he had experience in looking good, which didn't actually help the situation and caused a big rift between the couple, for all of five minutes.

They left the house at just gone nine. Brendan was nervous about going out and letting people stare at him but Ste had reassured him on many occasions that they wouldn't dare stare or say anything – this made Brendan feel better, he still had the intimidation factor. The steps to the club presented a major problem now however Ste had planned for everything and told Brendan to trust him – he did, sort of.

"Bren mate how are ya?"

It was Warren. Brendan hadn't seen him for months. Ste had told him that he asked how he was but he seriously doubted that was true. They had history. The kind of history that no amount of brain damage will ever erase.

"What yer doing here?"

"Helping out a mate" He looked towards Ste who quickly tried to release the tension in the air.

"I asked him to help me carry you upstairs. Sorry I can get someone else…" His eyes pleaded with Brendan's whose face softened gradually.

"Na its ok, come on sooner we do this the sooner we can go on not talking to each other, isn't that right Foxy?"

"Yeah sure, whatever you say."

It wasn't the easiest thing to do and it took some co-ordination and communication something the trio weren't exactly known for, however they managed it in the end and there was a weird mixed scent of achievement and comradery in the air.

Brendan scanned the bar area and nodded gently in satisfaction. Everything was – normal. The place hadn't collapsed in his absence which made Brendan feel relieved and also slightly disappointed. He took comfort in the image he had created in his head of the club and staff despairing without his guidance, however it was just normal, just plain old normal – Great.

"You ok?"

Brendan slowly re-entered the real world and saw Steven standing before him looking bemused.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He gently touched Ste's face to reassure him. "I'm going to go and sort some paperwork out in the office, would you mind?" He pointed to the brake.

"Oh yeah sorry…" He pushed Brendan into the office and helped position him behind the desk. "Anything else, just call me ok?"

"Yeah all right – thanks Steven."

"This is what love is all about Brendan – good and the bad."

"Yeah" He smiled his signature _I love you so much_ smiled as Ste left the room.

A sudden moment of realisation crossed Ste's face. He had Brendan where he wanted him all along – next to him, unable to escape his love and feelings. He was at Ste's mercy and he indented to make the most of it. After all _"This is what love is all about." _


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Brendan had forgotten, forgotten how much he missed the relaxed and musty atmosphere of the club. He liked that when you entered it felt like you were transported to another world, despite the complaints from Steven to brighten the place up, Brendan felt at home in the surreal darkness; almost relaxed. He missed Cheryl complaining about her latest relationship disaster and the way she rambled on about mindless village gossip, which she hardly ever got right. Surprisingly he also missed Warren. Not so much as a person but more as a release for stress. Ironically he causes more stress than he releases but nevertheless Brendan missed having him around. But there was one person in particular Brendan longed to be reunited with the most. Someone who never really left him; not even when he was unconscious in the hospital and he could see them watching over him, waiting for the right time to speak and bring him back to life. That is what Steven Hay does to Brendan Brady, he brings him to life.

Of course they are together at night and during weekends but it hasn't been the same since the accident. They need to work together, for their own sanity. It's like their common interest – apart from the obvious. Some may say that working with your partner is a dangerous game to play; it creates arguments, conflict and rifts between the two halves of a relationship, however the opposite applies to Brendan and Ste. It stabilises their relationship and makes them stronger.

"Steven… Steven… STEVEN!" Brendan shouted across the bar.

"What?" Ste emerged from the toilets with a bucket and mop looking quite flustered.

"I need you, come here." He drew his finger closer as Ste obeyed absent mindedly. He was used to the mood swings, the low gruff voice that Brendan used to command him – it was like music to his ears.

"What do you want now?" He pretended that he was angry that Brendan had called him away from cleaning the manky toilets.

"What you doing for lunch?"

"Nothing, why?" He was curious and excited. In his mind he knew where he wanted this to go and prayed that it was going there.

"We are going out for lunch." He slightly smiled at his ability to make Ste's face turn from sulky to sublime.

Ste said nothing. He didn't want to risk the offer being withdraw.

Lunch was magnificent. Just the experience of being with one another made the world feel complete for both men. They didn't have to hide anymore – or rather Brendan allowed Ste to show him public affection without him having to pay the price later on in the evening. Ste had the salad whilst Brendan had the steak; he always seemed to measure out his happiness with food as if it was some sort of comfort to him. Ste looked on amazed. How he could eat complete and utter rubbish day in day out and never gain a pound was beyond him. Beyond the laws of physics.

Neither men spoke – there was no need to. Why risk spoiling perfection? Ste ate slowly unlike Brendan who consumed his meals at a rapid rate, almost like his life depended on it. It was an enlightening experience to have a meal with Brendan Brady and one that Ste cherished every second of.

"Ah done…" Brendan leant back in his chair and sighed with satisfaction.

"You wanna go?"

"Yer. Please." Brendan slightly adjusted himself in his chair as he felt the sudden surge of blood rushing to his face as the embarrassment of what he just said registered in his mind. _"Please- really? Man up!" _Brendan never said please, there was never any need because he always got what he wanted without; so why start using it now?

That question haunted him…

They walked home. It was quiet in the village by eleven o'clock at night which created a sense of intimacy that made the night complete. Both men were silent as any a word spoken now would ruin the atmosphere. Brendan was still contemplating his earlier show of weakness and how to regain his sense of power, not so much to the outside world – he was still feared, but to the little voice in the back of his head, the one that had the power to both strengthen him and destroy him.

When they got to the flat both men went to bed. Ste drifted into sleep speedily; whereas Brendan lay awake with the day's event's flashing in his head. It was a day of mixed blessings. He got to go back to work with only the minor embarrassment of being carried up the stairs by his little and as he considered, weaker sister and of course his arch enemy; so that was defiantly a plus. But then there was the meal - the meal that had made him stop dead in his tracks. It was like he was bowing down to the exact reasons for him wanting to die all those months ago in the hospital. He didn't want to be a burden, not to Steven or Cheryl or anyone and those dark thoughts still haunted him. He felt isolated from his old life. No matter how much Steven and Cheryl tried to install normality in his new way of life; Brendan still couldn't face up to the fact that this was it – this is what had become of him, he viewed himself as useless and worthless now that he was essentially what he called – broken.

Maybe it was fair to call himself a broken man - I mean he no longer could do half the activities he enjoyed such as rugby and cricket, and Brendan saw physical ability as a way of measuring a man's worth in the world and how people respect you. He demanded respect. He craved it – it was an addiction. And now he could feel it slowly slipping from his fingers. He hated what he had become – dependant. He needed Ste more than Ste needed him and that was wrong in Brendan's mind. The weaker are always protected by the more powerful and dominant and this was how it always was, ever since he was young, looking after Cheryl, caring and protecting her from the dangers of the outside world and the people closest to them. He no longer felt able to do that. No longer did he feel comfortable around his own sister. I mean there were times; in the past where he didn't feel comfortable such as when he came out to her, but this was different because she still respected him for his _bravery _as she described it, however now his life was almost controlled by other people and that was ultimately the end for Brendan.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

There was something different about Brendan these days. Ste observed a rapid change in his mood and behaviour over the last few weeks and it was beginning to concern him slightly. Of course he was used to Brendan's traditional mood swings but they never lasted for two days straight or were triggered by the smallest annoyance. Brendan was even more agitated than usual and this agitation was caused, unbeknownst to Ste, by a deep cycle of depression. Ste had never thought of Brendan as the depressed type, he always saw him as a fighter – both physically and mentally, however a chain of events made Ste realise just how badly affected Brendan was by the accident.

It was Monday morning in the Brady – Hay household and all seemed well. Ste had protested to Brendan for some time that it should be the Hay – Brady household as it was a funny play on words but Brendan failed to see the origin of the joke and brushed it off. Ste got his answer and it was never mentioned again. Ste had the day off from work today so had planned to visit Amy and the kids, it had been a while since he had spent the whole day with them and he was really looking forward to it.

"Alright I'm off." He picked up his keys and flung his jacket over his shoulders as Brendan watched from the end of the hallway.

Sitting there, Brendan felt a world apart from Ste. He stared gormlessly at the perfectly amazing man in front of him; who had given everything to be with him completely and yet Brendan just couldn't connect with Ste anymore. He was alien to him. It was like Ste was English and Brendan was French – there was a barrier, and like most barriers both sides need to work together so they can triumph over them. But Brendan hid his pain and anguish well. He forced a happy exterior through the murky interior and continued to wade through his painful feelings day after day, trying to maintain the routine that he and Ste had settled into.

"Ok. What time are ye going to be back?" His voice was quiet and distant.

"Oh bout seven, anything you need from the shop?"

"Na I'm good just get home soon yeah…" He extended his neck to reach Ste's lips for a kiss. It was pure and meaningful.

"Yeah" Ste smiled slightly but stopped when Brendan didn't return it. Ste left. Brendan was alone. He could use his left arm and leg to travel around the flat when Ste wasn't there but it was difficult and tiring. Brendan sat and watched TV for a few hours, daytime TV, Brendan thought, was draining. Soul sucking - Brendan's soul was slowly crumbling.

At Amy's Ste sat and played with Leah and Lucas. He missed them so much now that he lived with Brendan and although he saw them fairly regularly; it still wasn't the same and he sensed that they missed him too.

"Daddy…"

"Yeah darling…"

"How is Uncle Brendan?" Leah's eyes were bright and inquisitive.

At that moment Amy came into the room with a cup of tea.

"He's… better darling."

"Good cos you were upset when he was poorly and I didn't like it"

Ste's face dropped. He knew that what Leah had just said was true. It was painful to hear his inner thoughts from a five year old.

"Well you don't have to worry anymore cos Uncle Brendan isn't going anywhere and neither am I." He gave her a reassuring hug and raised his face from her shoulder to meet Amy's thoughtful gaze.

Ste and Amy put Leah and Lucas down for a nap. Amy made another cup of tea and sat next to Ste looking as if she was going to share some of her famous wisdom.

"So how is Brendan?" She seemed sincere so Ste answered.

"Good, thanks."

"How are you?" Her eyes were fixed on Ste's who was trying to escape, but realise he would have to face up to this question sooner rather than later.

"Ok…" He made the mistake of breaking eye contact – a clear sign that someone is lying.

"Ste…" She knew better then to believe him so easily.

Ste squirmed – trying to word what he wanted to say correctly so as to avoid Amy's judgement.

"He's different." His voice was quiet and shaky – he didn't want to believe what he was saying.

"How?" Amy was patient and her tone was caring. Ste appreciated this.

"Umm… moody and quiet all the time." He raised his head slightly as he began to feel more comfortable.

"And…"

"And he is always angry."

"What?" Amy started to think the worst."

"Oh no, not like that, not at me but at himself."

"Well I can understand that Ste…" She sympathised with their predicament and they chatted for about an hour or so. It made Ste feel strong enough to go home and talk to Brendan about it.

However he was unaware what was awaiting him…


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

_A few hours earlier…_

"_I'm alone. I used to enjoy being alone. There was no pressure and all the things I used to do made the experience one I looked forward to, but now, now things have changed - I dread it. I don't blame Steven for wanting to go see his kids, if they were mine I would be round there every day and that just shows how much Steven has sacrificed for me – that is not right! It can't go on like this; I have to do something to save Steven, to save everyone._

Brendan made his way to the kitchen and got Ste's herb grinding bowl out of the cupboard. Brendan way always amazed at how well Ste could cook and how it put him to shame. He had all the cook books – _Jamie, Delia, Hugh _and of course _Gordon _which Brendan brought him for Christmas. Brendan looked meaningfully down at the bowl – it represented a part of Steven. Brendan sighed. He placed the bowl on the table and produced six bottles of pills. He began to crush them into a fine powder and as he did his face changed from determined and certain to regretful and melancholy. He knew this was a display of weakness but all sense of upholding honour had been diminished.

It was a struggle to crush the pills with only available hand but Brendan managed. He seemed to have every step of this planned out to the finest detail, then that was Brendan, paranoid and slightly obsessive. He liked – likes perfection. Everything has its place including people and if they fall out of their place he was quick to put them back in. Two days earlier Brendan had transferred five thousand pounds into Steven's bare bank account and a further thirty into a separate savings account for him, with the idea in mind that he could eventually buy a new house and spoil Amy and the kids for once. He also opened up the existing bank account he had for his own kids and made it accessible to them so that they wouldn't have to worry about money when he wasn't around. He wrote a letter to Eileen explaining his decisions and how to access all his money and assets, it also described his reasons for lying to her all these years and his regrets and promises that he has now.

Now came the tricky part. Cheryl. How could he write a letter to Cheryl explaining what he was about to do? He knew that it had to be done so he grabbed a biro from the kitchen table and poured his heart out:

_Dear Cheryl,_

_There is no easy way to explain the rush of emotions in my head right now and I only hope that what I do write is enough for you to be able to understand why I am doing this. _

_Things aren't the same anymore Chez – we are grown up and both are following our own directions. You don't need me to take care of you anymore, you can fight your own battles and I am proud! I know things were never easy when we were young but I poured my heart and soul into making you feel safe and loved; we were a team – The Brady's nothing could stop us when we were together! And I thought that nothing ever would. Like I said Chez things change and people become tormented by their own daemons which not matter how hard they try they can't destroy. I guess what I am trying to say is that I can't shake my own daemons and I can't watch you suffer at my hands because I love you too much to do that to you. _

_The accident has broken me Chez, in ways you can't imagine! I am a broken man, a tormented man who can't go on living like this. I have seen the effect it has had on Steven and you and I do not want to sit back and allow you all to be broken like I am. So I am going to leave you. To peruse a life free of worrying about me because I will be in a place of rest. _

_I want you to remember me for the good times we shared. Do you remember when we scratched Mr Lonigan's car and he came after us so I chucked a bucket of water at him? I do and to this day that memory will remain with me forever. There are plenty more that I can think of and I am sure you can too; all you have to do is think of me and they will flood back to you like that water over Mr Lonigan's head! _

_Finally Cheryl look after Steven, as I am sure he will look after you and make sure he is happy and lives his life without me. I am not doing this to hurt you – I am doing this to protect you please remember that._

_All my undying love,_

_Your adoring brother, Brendan X_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

This was it – the end of a long, winding, rocky road. Brendan was ready, he had written letters to Eileen and the kids, Cheryl and Steven explaining his decision and now all that was left was the final defining moment in his life. He knew that this was how people were going to remember him – the bloke that got injured in the accident and then was too much of a coward to face up to his problems that he killed himself, leaving his friends, family and boyfriend behind. He sighed. He didn't want it to end this way, he knew that he could turn round now, rip up the letters, pour the cocktail of drugs down the sink and live his life as it is now; unfortunately he was past the point of no return. He shakily clasped the mug – he made sure that he used a white mug so he wasn't reminded of what he was leaving behind. He tipped his head, raised the mug and poured the solution down his throat.

The drugs worked quickly, the mug fell from Brendan's grip as his breathing became wheezy and shallow. He slumped in his wheelchair and put his hand over his stomach to help withstand the pain. At that moment Brendan heard a key fumbling in the lock… he thought that Steven wasn't coming back till late… oh no he was going to see this – or worse he was going to try and stop him!

"Brendan…" Ste called from the hallway. His voice sounded distant as Brendan began to feel the effects of the drugs. "Bren I brought us fish and chips and I thought we could eat them together on the sofa…" Ste walked purposefully into the living room; expecting to see Brendan sitting there looking sexy and desirable. Instead he got...

"What the hell are you doing?" Ste exclaimed as he practically ran over to where Brendan was sitting and dusted the remains of the shattered mug from his hand and brushed his hair from Brendan's face whilst he checked his breathing.

"Brendan what have you taken?" He didn't reply. "What have you taken?" He took a bottle of pills off the coffee table and ran his hand over his face in desperation.

"Alright I'm calling an ambulance" He scrambled into his jacket pocket, pulled out his phone and shakily dialled 999.

"Operator – what is your emergency?"

"I need an ambulance" His voice was controlled – he knew that breaking down on the phone wasn't going to get them here any quicker.

"Are you hurt sir?" It was a lady's voice and she was clam.

"No not me, my boyfriend." He looked down at Brendan whose face was becoming colourless; his breathing was getting shallower.

"Ok and how is he hurt?" Her voice was a continued state of calm which balanced out Ste's anguish.

"He overdosed on pills" Ste's voice started to crumble slightly with the realisation of what Brendan had done.

"Do you know what kind of pills?"

"Trama…Tramadol?" He stuttered the name out of his mouth.

"Ok sir here's what you need to do, check his breathing"

"He's not breathing!" Ste began to panic.

"Ok try and remain calm sir and roll him onto his back slowly…" She paused as Ste carried out her instructions.

"Ok, done it"

"Now you need to tilt his head upwards and remove anything from his mouth. Then you need to take a deep breath and blow into his mouth, two breaths to begin with, ok?"

"Yeah" Ste did as the lady said and began to blow into Brendan's mouth.

"How are you doing sir?" The lady's voice was distant as the phone lay on the table.

"I'm ok but he's still not breathing"

"Ok now you need to keep doing that – one breath every four seconds until the paramedics get there, ok?"

"Yeah"

"I will be on the phone to give you guidance until they arrive"

Ste carried on breathing into Brendan's mouth; willing him to pull through. Tears were streaming down his face and his breath was strained as he put all his effort into breathing for Brendan. His vision was blurred as the tears were difficult to see through and his mind was blank, it was as if he had zoned out of the world and the only thing that he could think of was saving the man he loved.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, it was open and the paramedics came charging through the living room to find Ste knelt on the floor over Brendan, breathing into his mouth.

"We'll take it from here lad" One of the paramedics said as he gently prised Ste away from Brendan.

Ste looked on in complete shock as the paramedics worked on Brendan. They managed to intubate him and place an oxygen bag over his mouth to keep him breathing and then they moved him from the floor to the trolley and wheeled him out into the back of the ambulance. Ste started to cry. He couldn't move he just stood trying to contemplate what he had just witnessed, what Brendan had just done himself, done to him. How on earth they were going to get through this was beyond Ste but he knew one thing – he wasn't going to give up on Brendan even though he had given up on himself, he was going to be there every step of the way, to take care of him, to love him like he should be loved.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

It was familiar, the corridors of the hospital and Ste felt as if it was permanently etched into his mind. Admittedly it isn't the most cheerful ability to be proud of and one that Ste wished he didn't possess. Brendan was back in Intensive Care, in the same spacious room with the same large window looking out on the big, wide, daunting world. Ste spent every waking hour by Brendan's bedside for three weeks and as every second went past the hope for Brendan to make even the slightest attempt of recover was fading. Ste felt as empty as he did before he knew that that the success rate for someone who had taken that many pills at that high concentration was very slim and yet his hope wasn't diminished. He thought that if he waited patiently for long enough Brendan would sense that there were people in the world that did care about him and that they had accepted his new life, all that was left for him to do was to accept it himself.

Cheryl visited everyday but she didn't stay – it was too difficult for her to see her brother like this, Ste understood he told her that he would call her if there was any change. Brendan's family were naturally devastated by the news, Eileen had booked the earliest flight she could to visit with the boys – they were due to arrive in a few days which gave Ste time to pray that Brendan would be better when they do. Brendan didn't have many friends; he had acquaintances, business partnerships, and a long list of grievances with people who in turn had them with him. The closest person to a friend Brendan had been Pete and of course that was strained.

/

It was entering week four of Brendan being in Intensive Care and there weren't many signs of improvement. Eileen was due to visit with the kids later on that day so Ste asked the doctors if he could wash and dress Brendan for their arrival, the doctor had approved and Ste had set to work. It was a difficult task which required a high level of patience and delicacy of which Ste had acquired both in the months he had cared for Brendan since the accident.

"Alright Bren, just going to move your right arm up…" His voice was soft; the doctors had told him that involving Brendan in day to day tasks would help stimulate the parts of the brain needed for the thought processes of those tasks. Ste hoped that Brendan would signal that he was aware of the world around him but there was not attempt.

"You know Eileen is coming to see you tomorrow?" His voice was forcefully cheerful. "She's bringing Declan and Paddy" Ste reached out to clasp Brendan's hand, part to offer reassurance to Brendan but also for himself – tomorrow was daunting, Ste was frightened of how Eileen and the kids were going to react at seeing Brendan in this state. It played on his mind all night; his sleep suffered as a result of it and as he made his way back through the familiar corridors of the hospital reality began to set in.

Voices were coming from Brendan's room. They sounded small, gentle, and fragile.

"So what happens now?" It was Eileen, on her own without the kids; she was speaking with the doctor in charge of Brendan's care.

"Well Mrs Brady we we'll continue to monitor your husband's condition and see how he responds to the new medication"

"And if he doesn't?" She held her hand below her chin in a state of contemplation.

"Then we we'll have to decide whether subjecting your husband to intensive treatment is the right option and consider the possibly of withdrawing it" His answer seemed rehearsed like it had been repeated many times to other heartbroken and desperate loved ones of patients before.

"Ok, could you give us a moment alone?"

"Of course" The doctor left.

"Oh Brendan…" She flung herself at his bedside and sat in silence for a few minutes. "What were you thinking?" She hung her head in frustration and complete sorrow.

"Eileen…" Ste was standing cautiously in the doorway.

"Ste…"Her voice was breaking as she began to sob uncontrollably. Ste approached her and opened his arms for an embrace.

"I just don't know why he would do this, he's not like this, and he doesn't give up easily" She tried to stop the flow of tears but it failed.

Ste said nothing. It would be pointless to as there was nothing in the world that could make this situation seem even the slightest bit better.

"I need you to do something for me…" She straightened up and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm not the right person to decide what happens to him" She looked at Brendan kindly yet with a distance.

"But you're his wife; it's how they do it these days no one else is allowed to decide"

"Ste listen to me" She placed her hands on Ste's shoulders in a firm yet gentle grip; she looked squarely into Ste's beautiful blue eyes and began to speak softly.

"Brendan may be my husband by law but he stopped being anything more a long time ago" She paused and sat down on the chair next to Brendan.

"He was wonderful to begin with; he brought me flowers, took me on holidays the works and just showered me affection and I loved it – I loved him. Then it all changed and he became distant; he didn't come home for days on end and when he did he had a guilty look in his eye and that's when I knew that he didn't feel the same way anymore."

She looked over to Brendan and back at Ste and then continued. "When he started cheating it was subtle because he didn't want to leave anything to chance but then he became brasher – surer that I was too stupid to figure out what was going on – he underestimated me. So I watched him; tracked him down one day and I saw him; kissing Macca; my own flesh and blood; I felt disgusted! I thought that it must be my fault because I wasn't good enough, I wasn't attractive enough for him, I turned him and it hurt me so bad to think that the man I loved hated me that much that he had to get what he needed from a man rather than me – his own wife. Those vows we swore to cherish, to follow, to always abide by were completely worthless now that he had violated my trust and underestimated the worth of my love." She stopped and looked up to see a pained expression on Ste's face.

"What is it?" She asked.

"I am so sorry" A tear formed in Ste's eye but he hid his sadness well.

"What are you sorry for?" She was genuinely confused by Ste's apology.

"For taking your husband"

"Oh Ste, you didn't take him away from me" She held Ste's hand and smiled slightly.

"I didn't?"

"No Brendan drove himself away from me with all his lies and deceit, it was his fault that he broke my heart; if he had just been honest with me then we could have had a graceful parting instead of it being shrouded by resentment"

"I still feel crap for what's happened though. If I had taken better care of him…."

Eileen stopped Ste.

"Ste you have been one of the good ones, if not the only good one. You have made Brendan a better man, a more truthful man and for that you deserve a medal!" She smiled at him and Ste felt proud that he was accepted by Eileen after fearing so long that she would hate him.

"Why do you want me to do this?" Ste asked frankly.

"Because you made him face up to one of his biggest demons… All those men, all those one night stands that Brendan had behind my back meant nothing to him. He knew that at the end of the night he could walk away and leave them to pick up the pieces, he knew that he would never have to see them again or face up to the damage he caused in their lives." She paused and looked Ste directly in the eye.

"I don't want him to walk away from this Ste. He's taking the coward's way out and it is wrong and he is only leaving you and me to pick up the pieces. You have to make him see that this is just a cop out and that you will not let him get away with it – he has to face up to this now or he never will."

"Ok" Was all Ste could muster.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Spring was gone and summer had begun. Brendan was still in a coma and Ste was still loyally sat beside him day after weary day. Life seemed to pass into nothingness now that the only part of the outside world Brendan; and indeed Ste were exposed to was through the large window next to Brendan's bed. It looked out onto the busy high street and everyday a man selling balloons would park his little trolley just outside the window, and Ste stared for hours at the people passing and buying balloons. He envied them; they didn't have to do this, they weren't trapped in the same room for months on end fighting what seemed to be a losing battle.

Ste blamed Brendan, I mean could you really ask him not to? Brendan was the one who had done this; Ste didn't ask him to; he was prepared to take on the role of dutiful boyfriend and care for him no matter what, but Brendan being Brendan was stubborn he never accepted it of course and it ate away at him; forcing him to take action. But no matter how much Ste wanted to blame Brendan for entirely for the whole situation he couldn't. Ste felt responsible for not realising the affect that the accident had had on Brendan or trying to stop him from taking him own life – again. He was pretty sure that if Brendan could have some strange out- of-body experience like in the films he would realise that this wasn't what he wanted. Ste imagined it as "_A Christmas Carol – Brendan Brady Style!"_ with people from his past as the ghosts like for instance Pete (not so much from the past), Macca, Vinnie, Danny etc. Maybe it would make him a better man?

"I watched this programme last night about people who have woken up from comas and they say that they could hear everything that was going on." Ste watched over Brendan as he spoke. The gentle rhythm of the ventilator was strangely soothing as it reassured him that Brendan was still here, still alive, still fighting and there was still hope.

"Well anyway there was this man and he had been in this coma for like nineteen years and he woke up!" Ste's voice still sounded stunned at the revelation.

"Just think that could be you" Ste arranged the fake flowers that Cheryl had brought in the day before – this was the fourth time he had done it but there wasn't really much else to occupy himself with.

"Hello Ste, how are you?" It was the doctor. He was tall and had a deep English accent, it sounded like he was well educated let's put it that way.

"Hi" Ste turned to look at the doctor. "I'm fine thanks doctor"

"God good and how is Brendan this morning?" He looked at Brendan directly. He always did this, when Ste had questioned why one day the doctor told him that even the comatose don't like to be kept out of the loop. Ste smiled at this- he liked this doctor.

"So where are we then?" Ste said unsurely, he didn't really want an answer he thought that if he never asked if anything had changed then hopefully it never would.

"Well his stats are stable, his latest brain scan didn't show any further damage and he is reactive to all of the tests that we have carried out so…" He paused and looked at Brendan's medication chart.

"So…" Ste continued anxiously.

"So Ste I am hopeful that we can reduce Brendan's oxygen levels very shortly" He smiled and Ste smiled back – not really understanding what _reducing oxygen levels_ meant.

"I'm sorry; it means that if Brendan keeps responding well to the medication then we will be able to reduce the oxygen provided by his ventilator gradually, which will hopefully result in it no longer needing to be present."

"So you are saying that you would take him off it?" Ste tried not to sound too hopeful.

"Yes but it is early days still and I must stress that Brendan is still very ill and anything could happen at this stage."

Ste nodded. It may not have been perfect but it was a start, a start of a recovery and Ste clung to the hope that events weren't going to take a turn for the worse.

/

It was warm outside today; then again it was the height of summer. Ste tried to install summer values and traditions into the day to day routines of the hospital. He brought a bucket and spade from home and a plastic ice cream cone that belong to Leah to help Brendan feel the summer essence in the air. Ste figured it was worth a shot, anything was worth a shot at this stage! He read books to Brendan about summer and recited stories of summers past – most of them were made up but Brendan didn't know that and it gave Ste something to occupy his time spent at the hospital. He even opened the large window with allowed fresh air to waft through the spacious yet highly clinical room.

It was one day in August and Ste had just arrived at the entrance of Intensive Care carrying what looked like a plastic carrier bag full of shells…

"Hello Ste how are you today?" It was the nurse of shift today Ste thought her name was Claire but dared not answer her with her name in case it was wrong.

"Good thanks, you?" His smile beamed bright.

"Yes thank you. What have you got there?" She peered curiously into the bag.

"Shells" Ste replied. "They're clean so don't worry – I brought them from a shop and washed them at home"

"It's fine Ste go ahead" She smiled once more and Ste carried on walking.

"Hiya" He said to Brendan as he through the shells on the table beside Brendan. "I thought we could make something together today" He paused for where Brendan's instinctive reaction would have been. "Yeah I know you think this is going to be stupid but I've never done it and since we can't exactly go to the beach I've brought it to you!"

He laid out many different types of shells of the table with care. There were some beautiful ones and some slightly more rugged ones but Ste felt that reflected Brendan – beautifully rugged.

"I got string as well so we can make a necklace. Spruce up the ones around your neck already." Ste smiled to himself, he knew what Brendan's reaction would have been and it warmed his heart.

Ste sat for a few hours chatting away with Brendan about the shape and texture of the shells, asking him which ones he thought would look nice with certain outfits he wore and holding his unfinished masterpiece up to this light and admiring it next to Brendan's firm yet not overly muscular neck. It didn't matter to Ste whether people thought he had completely lost the plot – doing all these activities as if Brendan were awake to enjoy them – because he felt Brendan's strong presence in the room anyway and it comforted him. He may not have been able to respond but just thinking of the possible ones he could have invented made Ste smile – he was oddly happy that his plan to not only passed time but also involve Brendan in tasks, seemed to be working quite well!

Yes it was weird and most people thought he was off his rocker but he questioned them every time his got a funny look or a strange comment with the same statement – _"Wouldn't you go a bit nutty if the only thing you had to do all day was arrange the same display of fake flowers?" _That shut them up! Anyway it was helping both Brendan and Ste and sometimes the staff on duty would take five or ten minutes out of their work to join them in their latest creation.

"Finished" Ste said as he wiped sleeping dust from his eyes. "What d'ya think Bren? Nice ain't it?" Ste smiled in satisfaction and hung the necklace… chain (Ste thought that Brendan would have refused to call it a necklace – too feminine) on Brendan's IV drip stand.

"Perfect!" Ste announced as he stepped back to admire it further. "Just wait till you see what I got planned for tomorrow…"


	9. Chapter 9

_**Note: I have decided to add two new ****C****haracters into the story and this chapter is mainly about them. For anyone who is reading this story I can say that things do get better :)**_

**Chapter Nine**

"_I'm tried, so fucking tired! Why won't he wake up? Why doesn't he want to talk to me? I feel like he's avoiding the inevitable – or maybe that's me…"_

The piercing sun was blaring through the large window; it shook Ste awake. The atmosphere in the room felt different today more vibrant; like today was going to be special. Brendan was the only person occupying the room; although some patients had stayed for a few days but were then transferred again to other wards and departments. It was an unbearable loneliness for Ste most of the time; yes he did have his arts and crafts but it couldn't fill the gaping hole emerging in his soul.

Ste was sitting next to Brendan making a pop up card for Amy's birthday next week. He was happily chatting away; asking Brendan what colour he thought looked best and whether Amy would like jewellery or clothes. Suddenly the nurse appeared in the doorway she was being trailed by a little girl with straight blonde hair and deep green eyes.

"Hi Brendan, Hi Ste, how are you all today?" She walked further into the room with the little girl loyally following on behind.

"Good thanks" Ste replied looking curiously at the little girl.

"Good" She turned to the girl. "This is Ste and Brendan" She pointed over towards them as the girl followed with her eyes.

"Nurse Allen!" A loud voice was calling from the corridor. "You're needed"

"Yes coming" She replied. "Ste would you mind looking after her for a moment?"

"No it's fine."

"Thanks" She quickly hurried out of the door leaving the little girl standing nervously in the middle of the room.

There was moments silence as Ste surveyed the little girl standing before him. She looked terrified, lost and alone. Ste knew the feeling. It was like he was staring at himself; it was too real and too frightening so Ste decided to speak to break the tension.

"Hello I'm Ste" He smiled invitingly yet she said nothing.

"Who are you?" He tried as the first attempt failed.

"Kayla! A deep voice bellowed down the corridor.

"Kayla? Is that your name?"

She nodded.

"Kayla Marie Hudson where are you?" The voice got louder and as it did the little girl tensed until Ste thought she was going to fall over.

"Are you ok?" Ste asked.

"There you are, come on!" Standing in the doorway was a large man with strong features and a stern look on his face. She looked back at Ste; there was a message in that glance alerting him to danger.

"Hi I'm Ste" He jumped up for his seat.

"Rob" The man's stern look subsided.

"So…" Ste was lost for words. He didn't want to sound too cheerful in case it offended him.

"My wife, she's ill" He seemed to sense the questions in Ste's mind.

"Oh I'm sorry" Ste was surprised how forthcoming Rob was being.

"Thanks, what you in for?"

"Sorry?"

"I mean who you with?"

"Oh…" He pointed to Brendan.

"I see, what's his name?"

"Brendan"

"What happened?" He seemed genuinely interested which was a strange sensation for Ste – no one seemed interested before.

"He… he swallowed…" Ste couldn't finish the sentence but Rob didn't need him to.

"Pills, I get it."

"Yeah" Ste's head dropped to the floor in embarrassment.

"Kayla I gotta go and see the doctor, is it ok if Ste looks after you for a few minutes?" He directed his glance at Ste yet used a tone of voice suitable for a little girl.

She nodded and so did Ste. Rob left. There were a few minutes of silence in which Kayla's eyes darted around the room uncomfortably.

"How old are you Kayla?" Ste asked gently.

"Seven" She replied timidly.

"Seven's a nice number don't you think?" He smiled warmly; inviting her into the conversation.

"I wanna be eight" She replied more firmly.

"Why?"

"Cause all my friends are eight and they tease me" Her eyes grew wider as she began to trust Ste.

"That's not very nice is it – you shouldn't listen to them" Kayla smiled and nodded in agreement.

"What are you doing?" She asked peering over towards the table next to Ste.

"Making a birthday card for a friend, would you like to help?"

"Please" She bounced a little over towards Ste and sat on the chair next to him.

They sat for about an hour; cutting and sticking bits of felt and glitter on to different coloured card. Ste felt relaxed in Kayla's presence; it was nice to have someone to talk to who is able to reply and was naïve to the harsh realities of Brendan's condition. Anyone who visited would look at him as if he was already dead like they had given up all hope of any kind of recovery, but Kayla was different, she was the only person, apart from Cheryl, to talk to Brendan and engage him in the activity like Ste and it was pleasant for Ste to know that if this little girl didn't give up hope then why should he?

"Hey darling" Rob had returned from his visit with the doctor and was standing the doorway of the room. "What you been doing?" He asked with a small smile on his face.

Kayla didn't speak.

"We have been making a card, haven't we Kayla?" Ste answered for her.

Kayla nodded.

"Oh that's nice" His reaction sounded forced and both Kayla and Ste sensed this.

"She was no bother" Ste commented happily whilst giving Kayla a reassuring smile.

"Mm" Was all Rob said in reply. "We best be off, come on darling" He latched onto Kayla's arm and started walking; she followed on behind being practically dragged by the speed in which Rob was traveling at.

"Bye bye, it was nice to meet you" Ste called as they left the room.

* * *

><p>In reflection of Kayla's visit Ste started to wonder more about her. That look was so meaningful and yet he had doubts in his doubts because he knew all too well what this place does to people however it seemed more but he just couldn't place a finger on it.<p>

Rob and Kayla didn't return for two weeks and it that time Ste was wondering if he would ever see them again. He missed Kayla even though he had only spent a few hours with her; she made him feel needed in those few hours, sane even and he was grateful to her for that. Just as Ste has almost given up all hope of them appearing in the doorway again his prayers were answered.

"Hiya Ste" A little voice called from just inside the door.

"Kayla" Ste tried to hide the excitement from his voice. "Nice to see you" He smiled as an indication for her to further enter the room.

"How are you?"

Kayla didn't reply so Ste didn't push it. He knew that anyone in here wasn't _ok. _

"Where's your daddy?" He asked curiously.

Kayla shrugged her shoulders.

"Won't he wonder where you got to?"

"Rob's not my daddy" She answered sadly.

"Oh I'm sorry, where is Rob?"

She again answered with a shrug of the shoulders. "What are you making today?" She asked almost as if she didn't want to be heard.

"A paper chain to decorate Brendan's bed, isn't that right Brendan?" He asked looking lovingly into his tightly shut eyes.

"Can I help?" Kayla looked pleadingly at Ste with her deep green eyes and Ste found it hard to resist.

"Yeah course" He lifted her onto the chair next to him.

"I don't think I've introduced you two, Brendan this is Kayla and Kayla this is Brendan" He pointed towards Brendan.

"Nice to meet you Brendan" Kayla replied as if she could sense his presence in the room also.

"KAYLA!" Rob's voice practically shook the corridor. "KAYLA!" He repeated as the voice became louder. "Kayla there you are, I have been looking all over for you don't you even run off again! Do you understand?" He shook Kayla slightly as she nodded.

"Hi" Ste said astonished at Rob's behaviour.

"Oh hi Ste" Rob released a terrified Kayla who immediately retreated back towards Ste.

"Hi how are you?" Ste asked carefully.

"Ok thank you, and you?"

"Same as ever" He looked over a Brendan.

"Don't feel bad, sometimes things happen beyond our control" There was a meaning in his eyes that was deeper than a mere gesture of kindness, his words seemed sinister and cleverly thought through as if he were hiding a secret.

"Yeah" Ste replied absentmindedly.

"Kayla I'm going to see mummy's doctor about her medicines ok?" He leaned down in front of a badly shaken Kayla. She nodded.

"Back in a bit" He called behind him as he left the room.

Ste looked a Kayla. She was obviously terrified of this man anyone could see it. The way he had shouted at her was controlled; Ste could see that he was holding back his anger and it frightened him to think of what he was like when he didn't hold back.

"Rob is scary isn't he?" Ste casually told Kayla.

She nodded.

"Do you ever talk to him?" He couldn't help but notice the lack of communication between them.

"I did one time" She stared intensely at the floor.

"And what happened?" Ste felt as if he had turned into a shrink over the last six months.

"He told me to shut up so now I don't talk to him no more or he will shout" She kept her gaze fixed firmly on the floor.

Ste swallowed, this was too close to home and yet he couldn't help but feel compelled to help Kayla.

"It's not you Kayla, it's him don't feel bad when he shouts" Ste came slightly closer to a more relaxed Kayla.

At that moment Rob came charging through the door with a frightened nurse trailing on behind.

"I'm so sorry Mr Hudson but we can't give your wife anymore medication without the doctor's approval" She attempted to remain calm.

"Then get a doctor!" His voice was stern and full of anger. Kayla recoiled to behind Ste gently touching the back of his leg for reassurance.

"I can't do that sir the doctor is busy with another patient at the moment, if you would like to wait…"

"WAIT! No I will not wait! Come on Kayla we are leaving – now!" He shot a blunt look at Kayla who emerged from behind Ste and slowly made her way over to Rob.

Ste knew something was deeply wrong however he wasn't quite sure how to go about it. He couldn't make false accusations and yet he couldn't just leave a poor defenceless little girl alone with a man like that. He turned to Brendan:

"Bren… what should I do?" Ste asked. He realised something Brendan had said a while back.

"_I'd never hit my kids Steven"_

That confirmed the course of action Ste would take, he felt a duty to protect Kayla like he had a deep sense of guilt in the bottom of his stomach which would only be lifted when he did.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"I haven't had any sleep Bren…just kept on thinking 'bout Kayla" Ste rubbed his eyes in exhaustion.

It was six o'clock in the morning and the nurses had just started their morning ward rounds. Ste had been with Brendan all night; unable to shake the feelings of guilt and worry that tormented him. He _let _Kayla be taken home by Rob, who knows what could have happened last night! And if anything did happen to her it would rest heavily on his shoulders. Ste groaned as the dark thoughts drowned his mind of all logical thinking.

"Morning Ste, morning Brendan" Nurse Allen trotted into the room with a trolley full of medical supplies.

"Morning" Ste replied unenthusiastically.

"Something the matter love?" She asked as she began infusing Brendan's medication for the morning.

"No, well yeah" Ste's mind was so troubled that he was unable to hide from it.

"Do you need to chat?" Her voice was sincere as she looked earnestly at Ste.

"What do you know 'bout Kayla?" Ste asked.

"Kayla Hudson?"

"Yeah"

"Oh not much to be honest" She moved over towards the other side of the bed to check Brendan's blood pressure. "She's a closed book most of the time, never talks to anyone except her mum and she can't respond"

Ste's face flushed in realisation as he looked at Brendan.

"Oh sorry love, I didn't mean…" Her eyes were apologetic.

"It's fine."

"Why do you wanna know about her?" She questioned.

"No reason, just curious that's all"

"Lovely looking girl though, gonna be a stunner when she grows up" She smiled at the prospect.

"Yeah, she reminds me of my Leah" Ste added thoughtfully.

"Oh didn't know you had kids Ste?" She stopped and turned to look a Ste in surprise.

"Yeah got two kids me" He smiled proudly.

"Aw, what are their names?"

"Leah and Lucas"

"Lovely names"

"Thanks"

"I'm sorry to say that's all I know about little Kayla" She smiled firmly pressing against her lips. "I'll be back around in fifteen minutes for his obs again, ok?"

Ste nodded and Nurse Allen left.

"I know you can hear me Bren, I need you now" Ste collapsed into the side of Brendan's half naked body; he sobbed gently and cursed his situation.

"Ste?" A little voice called from behind him "Are you ok?"

Ste turned round to find Kayla standing before him with a concerned look on her face. God he was thankful, he didn't think he had ever been this thankful in all his life – well apart from Brendan pulling through serious injuries.

"Kayla" Ste announced – relieved that she was ok.

"Are you ok?" She repeated.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine" Ste wiped the tears hastily from his eyes and smiled a genuine smile a Kayla. "How about you, are you _ok_?"

Kayla didn't answer. She looked incredibly uncomfortable and started squirming in her little pink canvas shoes.

"Kayla what's wrong?" Ste attempted to reach out for her arm and as he did Kayla recoiled in pain.

She looked solemnly at the floor as Ste tried to contemplate his next move. He slowly moved his hand towards Kayla who didn't resist and allowed Ste to pull the sleeve of her jumper carefully up her arm exposing several large bruises.

"Kayla, how did you get these?"

"I fell over" She didn't make eye contact and Ste knew it was a lie.

"Kayla please don't lie to me, how did you get the bruises on your arm?" His voice was calm yet firm; he wanted Kayla to admit what had happened before he acted.

"Rob" Kayla finally admitted.

"And he did this?" Ste had to be sure.

Kayla nodded, looking ashamed.

"Where is Rob Kayla?"

"With mummy" She answered quietly.

"Ok, can you look after Brendan for me?"

Kayla nodded

"And don't leave until I get back ok?"

Kayla confirmed she understood with a nod.

Ste marched down the large spacious corridors of Intensive Care with a purposeful look on his face. He wasn't going to let Rob get away with hurting Kayla; something had to be done.

_**Note: Short chapter I know – sorry. I realise that it's been a bit heavy going (Especially the introduction of Rob and Kayla, and Brendan of course but we will get back to Stendan eventually!)**_

_**Thanks for to all reading and reviewing.**_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

Robert Michael Hudson wasn't the kind of man you crossed – ever. He had served in the army for over fifteen years and now was retired into the used cars industry, he automatically thought that fear and intimidation was the way to gain someone's trust; or at least obedience. Somewhere along the evidently damaged road that was Rob's life something or someone must have caused him to take a massive U-turn and never allowed him to tread the path of good again.

He never had children; never wanted them and his extracurricular activities didn't hold him in very good stead to becoming 'Father of the year' but it didn't bother him. Julia his ex-wife once described Rob as a self-centred, arrogant excuse for a man and when asked if she thought that was a bit harsh she told them that she could have said a lot worse in the nine years she had been attached to that waste of space. Justified - Ste thought.

Then there had been Cassandra Elis a trainee accountant from Yorkshire and she was perfect - lovely long, straight brow hair, deep inviting hazel eyes and a figure envied by many. There was just one problem; she had a four year old daughter called Kayla. Rob never embraced the fact that she was part of his life – in fact that is an understatement – he never even acknowledged it. Cassandra knew that Rob had the maternal instincts of a slug however she wasn't too worried as long as he was civil and never raised a finger to her.

* * *

><p>Ste charged down the corridors of Intensive Care; not bothered about how fast he was going he just wanted to face that man head on. Cassandra's room was towards the end of the second corridor on the right – Rob had demanded she was treated to the upmost privacy available although most rooms were single or only contained two patients at any one time. Cassandra had critical organ failure and was not predicted to live much more than a couple weeks. It saddened Ste as the thought of Kayla being alone in a world of violence without a mother sunk into the deepest corners of his mind.<p>

Ste entered Cassandra's room tenderly so as not to cause an altercation between him a Rob, but deep down he knew it was inevitable anyway.

"Hello Rob" Ste announced with a deep streak of intimidation in his tone of voice

"Oh hey Ste what do you want?" Rob's cheerful persona was obviously contrived.

"I just seen Kayla" Ste raised his eyebrows in indication of his knowledge.

"Oh, where is she?" Rob knew where this was heading.

"Somewhere safe" Ste's eyes oozed power.

"What's that supposed to mean huh?" He started to come closer to Ste who was unshaken.

"I know what you did – you evil man!" Ste began to shout slightly but managed to reframe from doing so full on.

"I don't know what you talking about and I don't think you do either so just get out before you say something you regret, ok?" He came perilously close to Ste who remained unshaken and waved his hand as a sly indication for Ste to leave.

"I'm not leaving until this is sorted one way or another" Ste's face was a cold as stone.

"Well we are going to be waiting quite a while then sonny!" His smug face was almost unbearable to look at.

"I didn't come here to fight, I came here to make a deal" Ste thought this would trigger the desired reaction in Rob as he was a well-seasoned deal maker.

"I'm listening" His ears perked up slightly.

"I know you don't wanna look after Kayla and it's gonna to ruin your way of life after your wife dies and there ain't anyone to look after her, so I came here to get your consent to adopt her"

Rob contemplated Ste's proposal for a moment before answering. "You're queer ain't you?" He spat the words out of his mouth.

"Yeah but I don't see how that should make any difference, I have two kids already" Ste protested.

"Would it be you and Brendan?"

"Yeah"

"And what 'bout money?" Rob asked coldly.

"What 'bout it?" Ste replied in the same manner.

"You ain't expecting me to pay for her are you?" He seemed genuinely more concerned about his money than he did about Kayla which disgusted Ste.

"We don't want nothing from you" Ste replied disgusted at the thought.

"Fine I'll call me lawyers – sort it out soon as"

"And in the mean time?" Ste asked uncertainly.

"Take her" His voice was harsh and bitter.

"Pleasure" Ste smiled insincerely.

Walking back through the corridors to Brendan and Kayla Ste began to absorb what had just taken place, the sheer responsibility he had agreed to and the new way of life he and Brendan would have to undertake now they were new fathers once again. Although the situation was daunting Ste felt proud and relieved at the fact that Kayla was his – theirs – and that she would never have to see, speak or hear that man ever again but most importantly he would never hurt her ever again. Ste almost felt sorry for Rob; he started to wonder whether he too was '_damaged child'_ as one of Ste's teachers used to describe him one day. Nobody is born bad or evil. Murders don't automatically become murders; they are pushed by some event or situation – no matter how small or how big and it tips them over the edge. Ste's stepdad's mission in life from the word go wasn't to make Ste's life a living hell, something made him like that and it sent shivers down Ste's spine thinking of what the event or situation could have possibly been to made him do the things he did to him. Ste stopped; he couldn't go into the room with these dark thoughts smothering his mind so he shook them out and entered the room with a relaxed expression.

"You ok?" He said to a downtrodden Kayla.

She nodded slightly.

"I went to see Rob…" Ste began seeing the sheer terror in Kayla's face. "It's ok I have some good news" He managed to contain her fear and draw her closer to make her feel more secure. "Rob has agreed that you can come and live with me and Brendan when he is better" He smiled to reassure Kayla this _was _good news.

It took a moment for Kayla to reply but when she did it was quiet; almost non-existent. "Will I have to go back?" She asked with pleading eyes.

Ste shook his head. "Nope never again. If you want you can live with me and Brendan forever and we can take care of you. Would you like that Kayla?"

Kayla smiled and Ste knew it was genuine.

"What about mummy?" Kayla asked sadly.

Ste wasn't sure how to answer that question. He knew that Cassandra wasn't going to make it but he wasn't sure to what extent Rob had told Kayla of the harsh realities of her condition. He eventually knew he would have to answer as best he could; deriving from personal experience with Leah and Lucas. "Mummy will be sleeping soon in a very nice place called…"

Kayla interrupted "Heaven?" It was more a statement of realisation than a question.

"Yeah" Ste replied, relieved that he didn't have to answer for her. "We can stay with her until she does though and you can say goodbye" He tone of voice was pushing close to upbeat but it was shrouded by deep dark thoughts.

* * *

><p>Kayla lived in a two bedroom council flat on the east side of Chester; it is a rough place to live for anyone let alone a vulnerable child. Ste got out of the car to be confronted with a gormless looking fifteen floors of identical flats; the only thing you could use to distinguish one from another was the graffiti tags on the outside walls; most of which represent the local gangs – not to be messed with. Kayla led the way up the many flights of stairs – because the lift was broken – until they got to the fourteenth floor. Ste could tell she had done this on many occasions because her stamina was extraordinary for a seven year old and when Ste asked if she would like him to carry her she simply brushed him off and continued climbing.<p>

"Number 74A" Kayla told Ste as she continued marching along the balcony of floor fourteen.

"Right"

Kayla stopped outside flat 74A and reached into her pocket to produce a set of keys with a fluffy pink rabbit attached onto them. She raised herself onto her tiptoes and extended her arm towards the door.

"You have your own set of keys?" Ste asked out of curiosity. He believed you shouldn't have a set of house keys until you are old enough to walk home from school responsibly which he considered was acceptable at the age of nine.

"Yeah my mum gave them to me to let myself in when she was at work" Kayla replied casually as she pushed the ragged door open. "Come on"

Ste followed Kayla as she entered the flat. She picked up some post that had collected for several days and placed it in a little cardboard box labelled _"Post"_. Through the front door there was a small hallway which had four doors off from it leading into different rooms, the first door on the left was the living room it was small and reasonably tidy. There was an out-dated telly placed on a small coffee table at the end and a three seat sofa with a quite frankly hideous floral pattern covering it.

"My room is this way" Kayla led Ste down to the end of the hallway and on his right there was a tiny little room which had the name 'Kayla' displayed in colourful block letters across the top of the door. The walls were painted mid-strength pink and the dark pink curtains allowed the sun to beam though; illuminating the whole room with a florescent pink glow. The carpet was faded into a creamy pink sort of colour and was littered with different stains; mostly from what looked to Ste like paint. In one corner there stood a pine set of drawers and in the other a handmade pine toy chest which had also been converted into a seat with a pink cushion covering the top. The bed was plain vanished pine with a pink net canopy draped from the ceiling and the covers were the mandatory pink in keeping with the design of the entire room. Kayla went over to the set of pine drawers and began picking clothes out.

"It's a nice room Kayla" Ste said as he sat down on the bed.

"Thanks" She replied her head buried in a drawer of clothes.

"Did you design it yourself?"

"No, mummy helped" She stood up and carried a pile of clothes over to the bed.

Do you have a bag for your stuff?" Ste asked.

Kayla scurried underneath the bed and pulled out a purple rucksack decorated with pink and white flowers.

"You are prepared" Ste joked.

Kayla smiled and continued folding and packing clothes into her backpack. She then moved onto her toys – what little she had – and placed the small ones carefully into the side pockets and the rest remained as hand luggage.

"This is my favourite" Kayla held a medium sized doll with long wavy brown hair and green eyes up to Ste face and smiled.

"She lovely, what's her name?" Ste smiled back.

"Queen Florence but you can call her Flo"

Ste smiled again. He couldn't help but feel a strange sense of acceptance by Kayla – the doll was her way of telling him that she trusted him, almost as if it was a statement of approval.

"Hello Flo" Ste said cheerfully.

"I think I got everything" Kayla announced.

"Ok well then if you're sure…" Ste began to leaver himself from the bed.

"Wait!" Kayla cried "I almost forgot" She leant over her bed and lifted up the pillow exposing a handful of photos; she snatched them quickly and looked meaningfully at them.

"Who are they?" Ste asked leaning in closer to Kayla.

"Daddy and mummy" Kayla's eyes dropped slightly.

"Where is your daddy?"

"I don't know" She admitted sadly. "But he's happy" She continued as she jumped from the bed.

"Good, come on then" Ste helped Kayla put her backpack on and then took the rest of her belongings.

As Kayla walked down the hallway she stopped outside every room, took one last look and closed the door. It was her way of closing the door of her old life and starting a whole new one with Ste and Brendan. She couldn't help but feel sad for what she was leaving behind in terms of the memories of her mum but she was glad to be free from Rob's clutches. As Kayla shut the front door and returned the key to her pocket she sighed.

"Are you going to miss it here?" Ste asked sensing her sadness.

Kayla didn't reply but Ste didn't need her to. They walked side by side down the balcony to the staircase and as they did Kayla's hand lingered closely to Ste's who opened his and allowed Kayla to slot her small hand comfortably inside. As they continued towards the stairs Ste rubbed his thumb soothingly across Kayla's knuckles in reassurance, when they reached the stairs Kayla's legs stated to tremor a little so Ste dropped what he was carrying and lifted Kayla onto his shoulders. He walled steadily down the many flights as Kayla drifted in and out of sleep trying to resist; though she eventually gave in to temptation a rested her head gently on Ste's soft dirty blonde hair, Ste's rhythmical breathing soothing her into sleep. Ste smiled as he felt Kayla's warm breath touch the back of his neck.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

**BELOVED LOCAL WOMAN DIED PEACEFULLY IN HER SLEEP LAST NIGHT.**

_**Cassandra Hudson (nee Elis) passed away peacefully last night in her sleep**__._

_Her husband Robert Hudson a local car salesman told the newspaper that "I will miss Cas so much". Mrs Hudson's seven year old daughter Kayla is due to be adopted later this month by local man Steven Hay and his partner Brendan Brady who is currently a patient in Cresson Hospital's Intensive Care Unit where Mrs Hudson received her last few months of care. _

_When asked about the decision to give Kayla up for adoption Mr Hudson had this to say: "I love Kayla and all I want is for her to be happy. I can't look after her like her mum because I'm in bits over her death." Mr Hay works in the local night club Chez Chez and has two children from a previous relationship. Following a tragic accident a year and half ago My Hay's partner, Mr Brady suffered severe injuries resulting in the right side of his body being paralysed, he was readmitted to the Intensive Care Unit seven months ago after consuming a large amount of painkillers at the couple's flat – Mr Hay has confirmed that it was a suicide attempt however is determined it will only be a minor setback in their relationship. _

_Written by Jayne Coleman_

Ste sighed as he folded and placed the newspaper on the table beside him. A calendar hung on the end of Brendan's bed which Ste had marked each day Brendan's condition remained unchanged. Kayla lay asleep beside him in the reclining chair provided for relatives, Ste had called Amy and asked her kindly if she could come and collect Kayla from the hospital as it had been a long day already and it was only six in the morning.

"Hey Ste" Amy whispered quietly so as not to wake a peaceful Kayla. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine, she fell asleep 'bout four hours ago" He looked down at Kayla who was moving slightly in her sleep. Ste lifted her up into his arms and passed her gently to Amy who wrapped a blanket around Kayla to protect her from the cold frost outside.

"You coming too?" She asked as she picked up her car keys.

"Not yet, I wanna stay and chat to Bren for a bit, I'll be home in a few hours though" He smiled and kissed both Amy and Kayla goodbye.

"Right I'll tell the kids, yeah?"

"Yeah" Ste agreed and with that Amy and Kayla were gone leaving Ste and Brendan alone together.

Ste sat back down next to him and began to stroke his arm soothingly, it was the most intimacy Ste and Brendan had had in months; and it was only possible when they were alone together – which usually meant in the very early hours of the morning or the excessively late hours of the night.

"Bren… I know you can hear me" Ste began. "We are going to adopt Kayla next week remember?" Ste paused for an answer and then continued. "You are going to love her and she is going to love you; I know I do" tears began to form in his eyes. "Please come back Bren, I miss you" Ste hung his face close to Brendan's arm taking in his familiar, comforting scent. He straightened his back and looked deeply at Brendan's face almost as if he was inspecting it, seeing if it had changed over all these months – it hadn't, it was still masculine and strong yet with a gentle wave of emotion that showed Brendan's vulnerability.

"Bren I know you're scared but we can do this – _we can do this_!" He griped tighter onto Brendan's arm which suddenly began to twitch. "Oh my God" Ste hastily pressed the panic button. "Brendan, Bren it's ok I'm here, it's ok!"

A team of doctors and nurses with medical scrubs and masks on flooded the room. The hustle and bustle left Ste feeling dazed and confused; he slowly came to his senses as he was ushered quickly out of the room by Nurse Allen.

"Stay here Ste – that doctors are doing their jobs yeah?" She quickly griped and released Ste's wrist in reassurance.

"What's going on though?" Ste rubbed his face and started pacing along the corridor.

"Nurse Allen!" A voice called from inside the room.

"Stay here." She repeated.

It was twenty minutes of pure torture before any developments were confirmed. Ste sat on the uncomfortable hospital chairs and looked into space contemplating what he would do without Brendan beside him, holding him, telling him in his own way he cared and also bringing passion and fun into their relationship. He thought about how much it hurt when Brendan denied he cared and left him, about how he also came back and tried to fight but Noah had already taken his place; Ste couldn't begin to imagine how much that must have hurt. But then there was Conal and Ste got a taste of the rejection that Brendan must have felt watching his true love with another man; and it stung – bad; and there was nothing to say anymore so both men went their separate ways – miserable.

Now though, they were back – together as a team and it was magic. Ste thought this could never be; but it was; it is and if the doctors and nurses can walk out of Brendan's room with good news and a smile of achievement on their faces then why can't Ste do the same? He has achieved the impossible – he is the boyfriend of Brendan Brady and not just in secret. He has stuck by him through all of their relationship's ups and downs and now may finally be rewarded for his efforts.

"_Oh please, PLEASE God let him be ok!" _

"Mr Hay" Nurse Allen stood before him with an unreadable expression on her face.

"What is it?" Ste was desperate for answers.

Silence

"He is ok"

"Oh" Ste's whole body relaxed as tears of relieve spilled from his eyes. "Can I see him?"

"In a minute, the doctors are just finishing up taking out the ventilation tube"

"What?" Ste asked in confusion.

"Well the doctors saw a significant improvement in Brendan's ability to breathe on lower oxygen levels over the last few weeks, so have decided to allow him to breathe freely and see how it goes" She smiled slightly and then continued… "But it is temporary and if Brendan's ability to breathe suffers too much then we will have to re – intubate"

"That's brilliant!" Ste said eventually. "I mean I know he's ill but that's great, thank you!"

"You can come in now" A nurse said from inside Brendan's room.

Ste entered the room tentatively, not quite sure what to expect of Brendan. He made his way over to the bed where Brendan was lying facing the window with an oxygen mask pressed to his face.

"Brendan" Ste asked in a cautious tone.

Brendan turned his head slightly so that he was looking at Ste. His face flickered with realisation and his eyes softened.

"Oh Bren…" Ste said as he collapsed into the chair beside him.

Brendan reached out his arm and Ste held on with and gentle and yet firm grip. Brendan's lips began to part as if he was going to say something.

"No rest, I'm sure whatever it is you gotta tell me can wait one more day, heck I been wait seven months!" Ste smiled through his tears as Brendan clasped his arm firmer. "I know, I know, I've missed you too"


End file.
